By Jake Rader
As we all venture through the dogs days of the Quarantine, to say that I’ve had a lot of free time would be an understatement. At least I have had a lot of time to catch up on my favorite pastime: sports movies.
From Miracle, to Coach Carter, to even Angels in the Outfield, I’ve seen them all in the last few months. During about the 100th time of watching Semi-Pro, I got to thinking, who are the best fictitious basketball players of all time?
If I had to, I could make an entire lineup of twelve guys, but eventually I was able to narrow it down to five players who I believe are the most deserving. Also apologies to the likes of Bugs Bunny and Calvin Cambridge as they didn’t make the list due to me wanting to make this somewhat realistic.
Point Guard: Jimmy Chitwood (Hoosiers)
This choice is an absolute no brainer. Jimmy Chitwood is the Nick Foles of basketball in my book. This guy is literally so good that he was able to convince the entire town to not fire their head coach. Talk about the balls on this kid, as a high school senior he had the confidence to tell the whole town how things were gonna be. I haven’t seen a high school athlete have this much power ever. Jimmy was literally Lebron James when it came to choosing who he wanted as head coach. Not to mention how he comes back and leads Hickory to a state championship despite them having only 7 players on the roster. He also has the clutch gene too as he pulled up from DEEP to win the state title. There wasn’t even a three point line in the 1960’s, but he still went iso for the win. Jimmy is the definition of an Underdog, and I’d be a fool not to put him in my starting five.
Shooting Guard: Jesus Shuttlesworth (He Got Game)
Another easy selection, how can I not take a guy with the first name “Jesus”? I’d be a moron to turn down the number one high school basketball player in the nation. He’s got the world at his fingertips, and all the confidence in the world. Not to mention that he has daddy issues so he immediately has a chip on his shoulder. Jesus Shuttlesworth embodies grit and confidence, and that is the type of guy I want on my team.
Small Forward: Clarence “Coffee Black” Withers.
I wouldn’t call this choice a no brainer, but Coffee Black cracks the list. Based off of talent alone, without question he deserves to make my starting five. But when it comes to his attitude, he’s like Terrell Owens with an afro. This guy’s ego is huge, always believing he knows better, and always causing trouble. On the contrary, it also works to his advantage as this dude literally changed his team mid-game. Not to mention right after he changed teams he immediately pulled off the first alley oop in basketball history. Is he a bit of a diva? Sure. But he wants to win just as much as anybody else, and that I can respect.
Power Forward: Jackie Moon (Semi Pro)
I could give about a million reasons why I love Jackie Moon. He’s fiery, emotional, a D list celebrity, and above all a great basketball player. Find me one basketball player in the 1970’s to score like Jackie on and off the court. Moon is the ultimate promoter, as he puts butts in seats. This guy is capable of so much. Find me another guy who can be a pop star, head coach, team owner, and starting center. Not to mention his ways of handling big personalities are top notch. Take this clip for example:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXipqyf0o90
He will go to bat for his team and stand up to injustices when they are put in front of him, such as when he pulled his team off the floor after Father Pat (A priest of all people) said his mom wouldn’t go to heaven. A guy like that who does everything in life with passion such as Jackie Moon can be on my team anyday.
Center: Neon Boudeax (Blue Chips)
The easiest selection by far, it’s Shaq c’mon.
Coach: Coach Carter (Coach Carter)
I was very close to putting Coach Norman Dale from Hoosiers in this spot. But then I figured this team has loads of talent, but a lot of big personalities. I want someone who can lay down the law from the get go, and in that department Coach Carter is the right guy for the job. This clip from Coach Carter proves just that.
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